Today is my ex’s birthday and I find myself not caring but instead staying up all night listening to sweet love songs and writing my boyfriend letters. Letters for someone deserving of me and my words.
I guess this is what they call finally being over it, eh?
last night
I had the first freak out I had since I met Jason Thursday morning. It was a familiar feeling. The same darkness and sadness that ate away at me before. But this time, though, I think perhaps I have outsmarted it. I cried it out, I let it take over for a little while, I blabbered on about things that didn’t make sense, but when I felt strong enough, I took the reins back. I couldn’t of done this without Jason, who was there for me to lean on as much as I wanted, and to remind me of the better side of things. And in hindsight, I’m pretty sure I identified why the freak out happened, which I guess means that someday I might be able to stop the onset of stress and anxiety before it bottles up and gets to be too much again.
There are a lot of things I find sneaking up on me and hard to face as of late. Mostly having to do with my parents. My mom is sick. I mean, legit sick. She’s functional, but she’s got a real problem that she’s still going for testing for, a month later. We don’t know everything or maybe it’s me that doesn’t know everything, and my parents are just keeping the truth from me. I don’t know if I’m possibly mad or grateful they’re keeping me in the dark about it. The fact is that it’s now at the point where my own parents are staring to get old, and I’m really feeling my own age. Things feel different this year, and it’s barely the end of January. I feel like I’ve been pushed by some unknown force of the universe down the path of my own life. I’m not talking about fulfilling some great destiny or anything, but just how I feel that things are already set in motion, even though I’ve hardly tried to do so. The series of events that have transpired in the last few months are ironic and as two-sided as a coin.
I needed somebody. I stopped actively looking and gave it up to the hands of Fate or what have you. And just like that, I meet Jason. Then just like that, we fell in love. Got serious before we were even aware of what was happening. I loved him from the very first awkward moment shared between us. I’ll never forget that Shellac t-shirt, or how fiercely he kissed me for the first time. Like I was already his. Like we had been lovers for a lifetime. And then as soon as things stabilized in that area of my life, my mom gets sick, and my parents’ marriage gets 100 times worse. It was like a set-up. I would have never gotten through the entire ordeal alone.
All of this both frightens me and excites me at the same time. I see things going the right way, the way I want, but not without some sacrifices along the way. And that’s what scares me most. The sacrifices.
I guess it’s also been about a year since he left me. A year since I went through one of the most heartbreaking and devastating moments of my life.
But in hindsight, it hardly matters to me anymore. Yeah, it’s a part of my past. And that’s where it’ll stay. It took almost a year to get completely over it, but I understand now that it had to happen, so I could pursue my own, real happiness and know what it would take to accomplish that.
The true love of my life was waiting for me right here, in my own neighborhood, like destiny calling. I would never have this happiness if he had never let me go.
Got invited to the champagne reception @ The Whitney this Saturday. I don’t care that it’s The Whitney but just the fact that I am going to a somewhat fancy event, with my boyfriend and other artists who are becoming fast friends of mine fulfills a fantasy I’ve had forever. Schmoozing for no reason, rubbing elbows with interesting folks. Big things are coming up, and this is just the start.
I always had this thought of my ideal life. A good partner, constant inspiration and doing something with that inspiration. And here I am on the brink of becoming a part of a huge art project and movement. I’m so excited yet so very nervous. This is the start of the rest of my life, in a way.
